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Top 5 Things Waiters Want to Say When Someone Orders Water

This is a follow-up post. Click here to learn why ordering water at a restaurant is so taboo.

As a waiter, there were many times I had to bite my tongue when a customer was annoying me. Like when someone wants to taste a sample of the Bolognese sauce before ordering. Or when someone yells a request to you from the other side of the restaurant.  Or when you ask someone what they’d like to drink and they say, “water”. I shudder.

Here are the Top 5 things waiters want to say when someone orders water:

5. Sure- just put your head under the sink in the washroom.
4. Sorry, we’re all out.
3. The #1 ingredient in all of our fountain drinks is water…. Shall I get you one of those?
2. Our taps are laced with arsenic. Would you prefer something else?
1. Sure- just bite your cheeks and swallow some saliva!

Help me to make this a Top 10 list! Leave a comment below!

The Lovely Smoke Break

I miss being a smoker. It’s been 10 years since I quit. It’s not the nicotine I miss… not the act of smoking… although blowing smoke rings was always fun. No, what I miss is the smoke break. I miss having a reason to go outside every couple of hours to just breathe. Breathe toxic fumes mind you, but breathe nonetheless.

The smoke break is a lovely thing. Two or three times a day. Five or ten minutes. Go outside. Breathe. Laugh. Shed yourself of the many annoyances of the day. And then get back to work. I think I should start taking five minute no-cigarette smoke breaks in my day… Who wants to join me?

The Worst Part of Being an Actor

The worst part of being an actor is waiting to hear whether or not you got a part. It is agonizing. I had a big audition today and- gulp- I think it went well. Now I am trying not to think about it which is what they tell us we should do. I don’t get it. You have to want a part badly enough to spend hours rehearsing for a 30 second audition. But then you have to be detached enough so that if you don’t get the part, you won’t wallow in a pool of self-deprecating pity. I haven’t figured out how to walk that line…

What makes this even worse is that if you don’t get the part it’s not like you get a phone call letting you know that you didn’t get it. You just don’t hear anything. And sometimes you are still waiting a week later… 2 weeks later. There’s no closure. It’s like being in a relationship with someone when you’re not sure of the status of the relationship.  People ask you how that special someone is and you aren’t even sure if they are that special someone. You’re up in the air like George Clooney. It’s awful.

Please pity me. And please don’t ask me if I got the part. Unless I look really really happy. Then you can ask 😀

On second thought… even then. Don’t ask.

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