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Imagine… Floor Hockey

I just had a dream that I was playing floor hockey with John Lennon. And I won.

I don’t need a technicolour dream coat to tell me what this means…

Or maybe I do. What do you think that means?

I should mention that I didn’t just win… I was running circles around the guy. I actually tried to let him catch up to me because I felt bad for him. The only move he had was a decent poke check.

I’m not even that good at floor hockey. But compared to John Lennon, I was like Disney Stars on Ice. And he was like Napoleon Dynamite on acid.

I totally respect how John Lennon changed the face of music forever… but when it comes to floor hockey, I just ate his lunch and popped the bag.

The World’s Most Embarrassing Injury (Part 2)

This is the second installment in a story of shame. For part one, click here.

I met the most lovely Doctor yesterday. He was an African man, probably in his sixties. His wisdom, his warmth, his soothing voice… it made me want to talk with him forever. He looked in my eyes with deep concern when I told him that I hurt my shoulder.

“Tell me what happened,” He said with his beautiful African accent. I felt like I could tell him anything. I told him that it all began as an innocent guys night out… that my competitive nature had gotten the best of me… that things got out of control in a smash-mouth battle of Wii Table Tennis.

“Did you say Table Tennis?” The doctor asked.


“Ah! Parlez-Vous Francais?” He spoke with excitement.

“Ummm, No. Wait- not Oui. Wii.” I was confusing myself.

“I am having trouble understanding,” He looked at me with concern, “You are an athlete?”

“Umm… not exactly. Its… Nintendo…”

“Nintendo?” He looked puzzled, “The children’s game?”

“Yeah… Well no… Sort of… Wii… Oui…” I stammered like Colin Firth.

He looked at me like I told him I wet my pants in his office chair. All of the kindness and concern was gone. “Let me get my associate.” He said.

I was passed off to a registered massage therapist who slowly wrestled my shoulder into submission for 30 minutes. Then I paid my bill and left.

Am I the only person out there who has sustained an injury this embarrassing?

The World’s Most Embarrassing Injury

The game was tied at 4. It was best 3 of 5 and I was down 2 games to love. Do you say “love” in table tennis? Anyway, we traded top spin serves and backhand smashes like Federer vs. Nadal. We battled like titans.

I served a speeding bullet over the net and my opponent scrambled to lob a clumsy shot to my forehand… I side-stepped, smiled, cocked my arm back like a loaded weapon, and swung that Wii Remote with all of my might. And that’s when it happened…

Wiinjury – An injury sustained while playing Nintendo Wii.

I screamed out in pain and collapsed to the floor like a foldaway stroller. My opponent dropped his remote and rushed to my side.

“Are you OK?” He said.

“My shoulder!” I cried in agony.

“What happened?!” He asked.

“I swung too hard…” I moaned.

It felt like my shoulder had been dislocated. I had visions in my head of Jean Claude Van Damme Eric Roberts dislocating his shoulder and telling his trainer to “pop it” back into place. He looks at his trainer with fire in his eyes and screams, “POP IT TOMMY! POP IT!” I looked at my friend… nay, my opponent, and screamed, “POP IT TOMMY! POP IT!”

My friends name is Dave. He looked confused. “If you can move it, its not dislocated,” he explained. He asked me if I wanted to ice it. That’s when I realized… I just hurt myself playing Nintendo Wii. This is the most embarrassing injury of all time.

Today, I couldn’t go to the gym because of the wiinjury. I have a couple of workout buddies. Guys that drink egg whites out of water bottles.  I am going to have to explain to them why I can’t make it to the gym…

My opponent, nay, my friend, suggested I go to physio. That would involve me explaining to the physiotherapist what happened. I think I’ll just Google “physio at home” and do some stuff myself.

For part two in my story of shame click here.

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