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Top 5 Things Waiters Want to Say When Someone Orders Water

This is a follow-up post. Click here to learn why ordering water at a restaurant is so taboo.

As a waiter, there were many times I had to bite my tongue when a customer was annoying me. Like when someone wants to taste a sample of the Bolognese sauce before ordering. Or when someone yells a request to you from the other side of the restaurant.  Or when you ask someone what they’d like to drink and they say, “water”. I shudder.

Here are the Top 5 things waiters want to say when someone orders water:

5. Sure- just put your head under the sink in the washroom.
4. Sorry, we’re all out.
3. The #1 ingredient in all of our fountain drinks is water…. Shall I get you one of those?
2. Our taps are laced with arsenic. Would you prefer something else?
1. Sure- just bite your cheeks and swallow some saliva!

Help me to make this a Top 10 list! Leave a comment below!

What Happens When You Order Water to Drink at a Restaurant

Susie and I went out for dinner on a date night last week. The waiter asked us what we wanted to drink. All I wanted was water… but I couldn’t bring myself to order it. I didn’t want the waiter thinking I was cheap. You see, I’ve been a waiter, and I know what’s really going on when a customer orders water:

Waiter: Can I start you off with a drink?
Interpretation: Can I start racking up your bill?

Customer: I think I’ll just start with water.
Interpretation: I am not going to order anything else but I don’t want to look cheap so I’ll keep musing over the wine menu.

Waiter: Perrier or Evian?
Interpretation: “Hey-Big-Spender!”

Customer: Oh… just tap water.
Interpretation: Jerk.

Waiter: Very well.
Interpretation: I’ll go see if I can get you transferred out of my section.

If you want to add insult to injury, wait until your waiter turns around and then add the line, “with lemon please”. If you really want to mess with him, wait until he brings you the water and then ask for the lemon! But I warn you, in the fight between waiters and customers, this is a low blow! If you look closely, you will see your waiter wince in pain.

I almost want to wink when I order water and whisper, “don’t worry, I am one of you!” Somehow I don’t think it would help.

Am I the only one who feels guilty ordering water at a restaurant?

Click here to read the Top 5 things waiters want to say when someone orders water…

The Mexican Whisperer

I lost my voice. Laryngitis. I have spent the last two days whispering to people when I absolutely had to speak. Last night I went out for Mexican food. The shop keeper asked me what I wanted. I motioned to my throat and whispered, “I lost my voice.” He looked at me with empathy and whispered back to me for the duration of our conversation.

Now stop and think… Why is this man whispering? Does he think it makes me feel better? I’ll have you know, he hasn’t been the only whisperer. There are more of you out there. You are the same people who speak in broken english when talking to someone with an accent. You aren’t helping anyone.

“Do you know what you want?” the shop keeper whispered. I pointed to the picture of the fajitas. He asked me if I wanted chicken, pork or beef and then proceeded to act out a pantomime of each animal. For ‘chicken’ he clucked his arms like he was doing the chicken dance. For ‘beef’, he pointed his fingers above his head indicating little cow horns.

I wish I was making this up.

If you are one of these whisperers, then on behalf of laryngitis victims and new immigrants, might I beg you, please, please… stop. You are a stain on the fabric of intelligent society. And you are funny to look at.

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